My Regret

Everyone has done things they are not proud of. Most of which are of little consequence in the big scheme of things, so I try not to sweat the little things (as long as my Prozac is working it's magic), or things I believe God is willing to forgive me for. But there are a few things we do in life that have far reaching consequences and from which we find we have a hard time ever reconciling these actions with our present state of mind. Some things just resononate endlessly through time, echoing off the bare walls of our minds, back and forth and back and forth, for so long we find them difficult to ignore. Or forgive ourselves for doing (or in my case, not doing) in the first place.

Many years ago, I met a young lady. We became very close friends over time and spent a great deal of time together and eventually I knew I was falling in love with her. Not just in a puppy-dog or google-eyed she's a real fox kind of way, but the kind of love that I know now is real. Based on real caring for one another, deep concern, the ability to talk about anything with each other and a physical closeness (though I never even kissed this lady) and comfort that I have never found in any other woman I have met since.

Yet I never expressed to her fully how I felt, so our relationship eventually fell by the wayside, as we became physically seperated by a few thousand miles and by our chosen career paths. Out of sight, out of mind I guess, though for many more months we continued to write one another regularly. But the seperation was too much, and my (unforgivable) inaction still haunts me. I thought, and frankly still believe, she was my soulmate, but I let her slip away because I was too weak, or too scared, or just too plain stupid to open my heart to her fully.

A few years later, she married and is quite happy these days (by all appearances) with a loving husband and beautiful children. It may sound cliche to say so, but I am truly happy for her. But this post is about regret, so here it is: I do regret not making my feelings known to her, for I believe with all my heart we could have carved out a beautiful life together. But that never came to pass, and of all the poor choices I've made in my life, that is the one I most truly regret.

So now here I am, trying to look forward, yet still trying (and often failing) to ignore the echoes of that beautiful (in every way) woman in my head. Still trying not to compare every woman I meet with the memory of her. And still failing miserably.

I wonder if I'll ever find that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If I don't, my regret may consume me, and that just sucks.

Okay, enough whining.

Who am I again?